Florida Man Chronicle – September 11

September 11 – Florida Man Tries to Steal Cop Car with Police Sitting Inside

A Florida man tried to steal cars for two consecutive nights finally chanced upon one that was unlocked. Unluckily for him, the unmarked car also had police officers waiting inside.

Home surveillance cameras captured footage of a man trying to break into seven vehicles on Hawbuck Street in Trinity Oaks, Florida. The Pasco County Sheriff’s Office later identified the man as Stephen Titland.

When his burglary attempts proved unsuccessful, Titland then decided to try his luck on Murrow Street in New Port Richey the following evening. This time, the car was full of members of the police department’s Strategic Targeted Area Response team. Also known as the STAR unit, these officers arrested Titland for attempted theft.

The unit also compared Titland to the footage of burglary attempts the previous night. After reviewing details of the crime spree, “‘Property Crimes Detectives positively identified and arrested Titland for all seven attempted burglaries,” the police department said.

Titland was already on probation for a history of burglary in Pinellas County. He now faces additional charges for loitering, thievery, and violating his previous probation.

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September 11 – Florida Man Blames Caterpillar from ‘Alice in Wonderland’ for Destroying a Liquor Store

A Florida man arrested for taking a forklift to a Crestview liquor store under construction said that an animated character made him do it.

Crestview stated that Matthew Horace Jones used a forklift to destroy the liquor store under construction at the city’s Walmart, resulting in over $100,000 in damages. Police also found that Jones vandalized a city fire hydrant and water meter with an estimated cost of $3,200.

On the night of the incident, the department received calls that someone was knocking “cinder blocks off the scaffolding in the construction zone.” When the police arrived, the stopped the suspect at gunpoint and demanded his name. The suspect then claimed that the caterpillar from the Louis Carroll novel made him commit the crimes to prevent the sale of liquor and alcohol.

“Walmart was building a place to sell alcohol and he had a problem with it,” police sergeant Don Howe said.

Police charged Jones with grand theft, use of a motor vehicle to damage property, and criminal mischief. He was previously on probation for burglary and received another charge for violating the probation.

September 11 – Florida Man Shoves Money Up His Rectum to Hide It From the Cops

A Florida man tried to keep the police from butting into his business by shoving money into his rectum.

Identified as Pattreon Stokes from Wildwood, the Florida man did the dirty deed during a traffic stop in Marion County.

Police officers first pulled Stokes over for speeding on the highway. After smelling marijuana in his car, the highway deputies completed a more thorough search. Officers found methamphetamine, rock cocaine, heroin, and a drug scale.

The police also noticed that Stokes had cash money with him in the driver’s seat. Stokes’ seven-month-old child sat in the front passenger seat.

Charging Stokes with drug trafficking and intent to sell, the officers accompanied him to Marion County jail. Once they arrived at the facility, however, the officers could no longer find the cash.

Although Stokes claimed that the police had already confiscated the money and had merely forgotten, police noticed wads of cash falling from Stokes’ backside.

The police found over a thousand dollars inside the suspect’s buttocks, “after necessary but undesirable process for everyone involved,” said the Marion County Sheriff’s Office.

For this deed, Stokes received an additional charge of smuggling contraband into the facility.

Based on his mugshot, “he looks pretty ‘bummed’ about the whole situation,” the police department said.