Florida Man Chronicle – July 24

July 24 – Partying Florida Man Mistakes a Deputy’s Head for a Tasty Snack

Few things can clear your head like great music. Music can lift you up, calm you down, and everything in between. But a Florida man recently provided evidence that sometimes music can do more than clear your head – it can make a human head look like a tasty snack. To understand that rather odd event it’s necessary to consider the unique position of James Anderson.

The Florida man in question was having a great time partying to some electronic music. In fact, Anderson says that he’s employed by the venue so one could imagine he felt more at home than anyone. The Florida man felt so at ease that he decided to partake in a mind-altering substance. And then he sampled another, and another, and so on. Anderson was feeling the effects of ecstasy, psychedelic mushrooms, LSD, and PCP.

It’s unknown what impact all of that had on Anderson or why he fixated on the deputy attending the event. But the problems began as Anderson decided to help himself to the deputy’s gun. Thankfully the Florida man was unsuccessful in his attempts to steal the deputy’s firearm. But like many Florida men before him, Anderson kept his eyes on the prize. And with no other warning, the Florida man took a large bite from the back of the deputy’s head. Thankfully the bite only broke the skin and didn’t damage the deputy’s skull. But it was still a significant enough bite that the deputy may well carry the scar for the rest of his life. As for Anderson? The Florida man was charged with aggravated battery on an officer as well as another charge of resisting arrest with violence.

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July 24 – Florida Man Takes a Stolen Tractor on a Sinister Joyride

Imagine a tranquil golf course as the Floridian sun beats down on the green grass below. A lone figure can be seen driving a tractor away from the course. However, now imagine the much stranger sight of the tractor continuing onward as it drove through a college dormitory. The scene paints an odd dichotomy, but such is often the case when a Florida man decides to embark on a life of crime. The beautiful nature of Florida often serves as a stage for events equally hilarious and horrible. In the case of Ethan Layne, this manifested as a joyride on a tractor with an intent to murder.

Layne’s job as groundskeeper at a golf course gave him easy access to the tractor. And from there he simply needed to set his path and trust that the vehicle would be up to the trials and tribulations ahead. And indeed, the Florida man was able to drive right into the college dormitory. From there he used the tractor’s bucket attachment to destroy the building’s plumbing system. The Florida man decided his work in the building was done and proceeded into the parking lot.

Layne began his tractor-fueled rampage in the parking lot by ramming into and then overturning a truck. Next, the Florida man smashed the front end of his tractor into an occupied car. Thankfully the passengers were able to escape unharmed. Layne’s third target in the parking lot managed to successfully drive away before the Florida man could reach him. This was the point where the police arrived.

Unsurprisingly, Layne decided to use the newly arrived police car as his fourth target in the parking lot. While the Florida man was able to smash the police car’s window with his tractor’s bucket, this wasn’t enough to deter the officers. A flurry of bullets followed from the police and Layne was then taken into custody. Thankfully, despite the potential for tragedy, there wasn’t a single injury during Layne’s rampage. However, the extensive damage caused by the Florida man is estimated in the hundreds of thousands.